Right now I’m feeling pretty angry at one of my best friends. We’ve had arguments in the past but this is different – I honestly think she has no clue how she’s made me feel. Instead of yelling at her and ruining our friendship, I thought I’d write something about how I’m feeling to kind of get it out of my system.
So these are the reasons why I’m angry at her:
1. She was dismissive about my being unwell. I’ve been having pain in my hip for the past few months and, though I kept it quiet for the first couple of months, this month I decided to get some help for it. Coincidentally, another friend of ours has a hip problem at the minute too, which came to light first. So when I told my friend that I was going to the doctors about my hip, she said “Why? Because someone else was and you wanted to join in?” I know she didn’t mean it to sound like I was just being a copy-cat but that’s how it felt. It was belittling. When I was referred for tests after my appointment, she took very little interest in them, and when I went to get my results today she did not remember to ask how it went. I’ve been nervous all week about it, which I explained to her, and all she said was “really?!” The absolute worst part of all this was when she compared me and our other friend in terms of our hip trouble. She said that she felt more sorry for our friend because her hip pain was preventing her from playing sports, which she loves. I, on the other hand, am not at all sporty, and so she did not care so much about my problem. This whole thing has been disappointing, especially since I supported her through an injury a few months ago. I feel like I tried hard to care for her, and she didn’t want to do the same for me.
2. I’m trying really hard to find a job for when I graduate, but all she says when I tell her about it is “oh I really need to do some applications.” The thing is, she is not graduating this year! So it’s not really the same thing, is it? I get that she’s applying for internships for the summer, and I really hope she gets one, but I’m trying to sort out the rest of my life, which is a bit longer. I don’t want lots of attention for it, I just want her to listen to me for 5 minutes without thinking that she has bigger problems.
3. I’ve lost touch with a mutual friend, and my not-so-great-at-the-minute friend gave me all the pity of “I told you so.” Yes our mutual friend is a bit self-obsessed, and a bit of a flake, but losing her friendship is upsetting for me, not least because I’m only just realising how much effort I put into our friendship compared to her. I don’t need to hear that I was kidding myself all along.
4. All she thinks about is her work and her boyfriend. Now I get that both are important, but I listen to her all the time and sometimes I need to vent myself. I feel like we’re both carrying backpacks, and she keeps offloading from hers into mine, so mine just gets heavier and heavier. Whenever I try to put some of my stuff in hers, she pushes me away and just adds even more into mine. We’ve lost any balance in our relationship.
5. She doesn’t make time for me. She’s so stressed about her own life she just fits me in when she has time, around her boyfriend, flatmates, sports and work. Which is sad. I feel like second tier, basically.
6. She says things that hurt me without thinking about it. Like, I made a mistake on something a group of friends were working on, and instead of just saying like “don’t worry, mistakes happen” she made sure that I knew that the others were upset about it. I would never do that to someone, because I would realise they were feeling bad enough about it already and I didn’t need to rub salt in the wound. But she either didn’t realise it would upset me, or didn’t care.
7. The absolute worst thing about all of this is that she has no clue whatsoever about how I feel. And I won’t tell her, because I’m not great at confrontation (I’m really, really not) and I don’t want to risk our friendship. I graduate in a few months and I just want us to stay as close as possible in the mean time. It’s weird – it used to be that she was very supportive of me, especially when I had a rough time a couple of years ago, but now it’s like she feels like she’s done her bit, and she no longer needs to think about how I feel. Instead she says and does stuff that hurts me and has no clue. And today, when I tried to tell her I was upset and anxious she basically dismissed me. She didn’t understand how low I’ve been feeling. She didn’t want to.
So I’m angry at my friend and I don’t know what to do. If anyone out there has any advice for me I’d really appreciate it.